Hello again.
Recently, I've been evaluating my past and reflecting on certain things I've learned from some of the disappointments and heartbreaks I've encountered in my life. Now, I'm not here to just talk about me and make you all read about something that doesn't apply to you, because I really think this does.
I'm a hopeless romantic. All I've wanted since I was about 5, was to find that perfect man who would sweep me off my feet, fall in love with me, marry me, and have two wonderful children to raise, and then grow old with me as we watch our children do the same. What I would love, is to be the housewife and take care of the house and children while my husband's at work. He'll come home and dinner will be ready. Afterwords, we'll put the kids to bed and spend time together until it's our own bedtime. Maybe that's too much to ask for these days. But I haven't given up yet.
I want you to take life for the positives And the negatives. Bad things happen, break ups are necessary. If one guy or girl, breaks your heart, then obviously you two weren't meant for each other. Move on. Do not let that keep you from falling for another. If that wall stays up, eventually it'll be permanent. Then, when you're ready to move on finally, you won't be able to, and you won't even remember the reason you put that wall up in the first place.
So, to show you that you're not alone in the struggle to find your 'perfect match,' allow me to provide insight on my own life for the past few years.
*Take notice. I have changed the names of all past boys who will be talked about in this from here on out. I guess unless you know my personal history, it will be easy to figure out, but I did it anyway, just in case.
1.) Depressive Ex: When we started dating in high school, I was treated like a princess. We were great together. When we moved to college, that's when everything changed. The jealousy bug kicked in for him, he become depressed (hence the name), he hated everyone and only ever wanted to spend time with me. After a while, I wasn't allowed to hang out with any of my friends unless it was in class. There's of course more to the story, as with all others, but very long story extra short - I found myself into being in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship. I went into the relationship with maybe 30-40% confidence level, left with about 12% confidence.
What I learned: Not to take shit from guys. If I'm not happy, it's not my fault. I know I deserve better.
2.) Hello Kitty: We began dating almost immediately after Depressive Ex and I split. I didn't want it to happen right away, but you can't fight the inevitable. For the first time in a while, I felt happy. He was the first person that I actually could see myself having a future with. We had fun all of the time and rarely fought about anything. If anything, it was moreso play fighting and we got over it quickly. Here's the downside to that relationship. He dumped me. Hardcore. Out of nowhere. Said he fell out of love with me. My heart was SHATTERED. It took me 8 months to get over that relationship and it only lasted 11 months. Wow.
What I learned: How to stand up for myself. Also, how to fight back, physically and mentally. During the healing process, I learned that it's okay to rely on others for support and take time for myself.
3.) Sentimentalist: I fell in love with this man before we even became official. We were great together. He was calm yet exciting, sweet and gentle yet sturdy, & passionate yet light-hearted. We dated for only 4 months, yet whilst it lasted, it was amazing. Always a catch: he cheated on me, at least once, probably twice. He lied a lot and did things behind my back, only to confess after the damage was done. Then he became sick, mostly mentally. I had to be strong for him, which only broke him even more.
What I learned: I am beautiful. Before him, no one ever told me I was beautiful. With him, not only did I hear it, but I felt like it too. For that, I will forever thank him. My confidence level went up to about 70-80% after him.
4.) Mr. Judgmental: Not going to lie, this man was a rebound. Someone to fill the void that Sentimentalist gave me. Longish story shortened - He rejected Me because I didn't share the same values as him and wouldn't change my belief system for him.
What I learned: I am me and I won't change for anyone. If they can't accept me for who I am, then let that be that.
5.) The Latest Tragedy(TLT): Basically, we had everything in common, and the interests we didn't share, well they basically just balanced each other out. All of his friends and all of my friends saw the future we could've had together. When I was with his family, I felt more at home than with my own sometimes. They accepted me right away, were genuinely interested in me and my aspirations, and I could see his parents even becoming my in-laws. TLT and I were what I thought to be Thee "Perfect Match". We often talked about what our future would look like together. Then it all crumbled before me. All of a sudden his values changed from my 50's housewife dreams and told me that if I wanted what I thought I wanted, I would never be able to have that with him. Well, after all of my previous lessons, I realized that maybe we weren't the perfect couple that I made our relationship out to be. We ended quicker than we started.
What I Learned: Use the lessons you learn and stand by them. If it didn't work before, it's not going to change just for one person. What I also learned, was that I am stronger than I ever thought I was before and I now know precisely what I need in a relationship and partner. I won't give up until I find exactly what I'm looking for.
So, that's about a day's worth of information covered within a few minutes of reading. If you have any questions about anything, anyone, or need more clarification on something. Please, feel free to ask away. I am an open book. I know I didn't cover really anything on any of the past men, so let me know your questions.
If you do or don't have any, I challenge you to reflect on the lessons you've learned from your past, whether it be relationships, mistakes, job terminations, etc. It's really quite invigorating and freeing.
With love,
Tawny
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