Monday, January 27, 2014

I Have Always Been An Outcast

I've been reflecting on this subject a lot recently. And it's been kind of bringing me down. So I figured I needed to vent about it in the best way that I know how... by letting the whole world in on my thoughts.

Elementary School:
I was a cute kid until about 4th grade. I don't know what happened, and I don't remember much. I just know that whenever I had a birthday party, I would invite all of my 'friends' and most would reply with statements like, "I can't because my family will be spring cleaning," or, "My mom has to do her taxes, so I can't." I don't know. Dumb reasons. I had a couple of close, good friends, but we lost touch as soon as we "graduated".

Middle School:
I was pretty much ugly and awkward throughout middle school. I had some friends, but they had their own besties, who always took precedence over me. I was picked on by the pretty girls, and even though I dated one of the cool guys in 8th grade, the pretty girls still didn't like me. I was told, to my face, that I didn't deserve to be with anyone like him and that I wasn't worth it. And I didn't have a best friend to back me up. I was outcasted.

High School:
There was maybe one girl who for a while, I considered to be my best friend. We always chatted in school and we were on track together. But we never hung out outside of school. There was always another friend that she would hang out with. I, of course, never noticed that. I started becoming a lot less awkward in my Sophomore year and got more involved and came out of my shell a little more. I had more friends, but they were people that only hung out with me when we had group projects or small get-togethers. It was never just me and a friend being goofy like I always saw with other friends and their besties. I joined cheerleading, thinking I would maybe fit in with a different crowd. Yeah, that didn't work.

Here again, I was friends and/or acquaintances with whomever was in my involvement circles, but I can honestly say that I never really felt like I had that close, real friend. I have Alyssa now, and I'm so thankful she's in my life, I would probably keel over and die if I didn't have her as a rock for me. But other than her? Just friends I would casually hang out with during work functions, programs, or bumping into at the bars every now and then. And maybe it's just me, but one on one interactions were great, and I loved my institution and my peers, but in big groups, I never felt like I quite fit in.

I have friends, and we hang out. But that really only widdles down to about 3 or 4 consistent people. I love my fellow co-workers and all, but sometimes I feel like I'm trying harder than I've ever tried to fit in before. I will force myself into conversations just so that I can feel like I'm truly a part of the group. And I know I don't need to be everyone's friend, but their are times that I feel a little excluded from group activities, or I'm the last one to know about a certain event. It's always been difficult for me to reach out to particular individuals and I try to initiate things when I can, but sometimes it's just hard to hear that someone hosted a game night one day and invited a bunch of people, but never though about me. And then proceed to talk about it in front of me. Games are my favorite past-time people. Am I really that un-likeable?

Don't get me wrong, by all means I love my job and I love my institution, and I love the folks I work with, but a lot of the time I just feel like the black sheep of the family. Everyone else seems to have inside jokes with each other. When people see each other in meetings, they squeal each other's names. I don't get any of that, though if I did, I would probably be scared for my life. But I've accepted my outcast status years ago. And I know that is just my life, it's just hard when the only best friend I've ever had lives 1000+ miles away and the friends I have here only invite me to things that Everyone else gets invited to. I don't know. Maybe I'm being overdramatic. Or maybe I really am Not trying hard enough... Or maybe I should just be grateful for the handful of close friends I have.

I just wanted to get that out there. Thanks for listening to my soapbox. I know this isn't usually how I operate my posts on here.

<3 Tawny

Monday, January 13, 2014

You May Think I'm Crazy

Buuut I really don't care.

I've never enjoyed doing things the way they're "supposed" to happen and I make my own rules quite often.

Time is Irrelevant
You should brush your teeth for exactly two minutes.
You should only steep your tea for two minutes.
You should only weigh yourself before 9am.
You should never eat within three hours before bedtime.
You should sleep 8 hours every night.
You should only tap 20 minute naps.
You shouldn't drink coffee after noon.
You should wait half an hour after eating before swimming.
You should spend 3 hours for every credit of classes studying, per week. (I'm sorry but, never.)

I will drink coffee and eat snacks right up until I'm ready to turn off Netflix and go to sleep.
I will swim and eat at the same time... if I ever swam.

I will "study" exactly what I need to do well and then I will go right back to Netflix.
I will sleep for however long my body tells me. 
I can't nap. They make me angry.

I don't believe that we should live our lives on a set timeline that some random magazine has published in an article. I don't think that it's right to have everyone living the same lives.

This is why you may think I'm crazy.

To my faithful readers: I have not blogged in a long while. But I've been busy. And quite lazy just as well. Sorry not sorry. But I think you'll like this next thing.

I. Am. Engaged
(Reader say what?!)
Yes. It's true. I just didn't post it on FB.
I didn't post a cutesy-pie status saying, "He asked and I said yes." Those are boring. And partially annoying.
I didn't post a surprise picture wearing a ring all of a sudden causing mass panic amongst my friends and family.
I just don't do things the way I'm expected to.

Why Didn't I Tell You?
Well, because I didn't want to hear the same questions/comments over and over again.

"When did he ask?
How did he ask?
And you've only been dating for how long?
You're not ready for that!
You don't know enough about each other!
You haven't had a screaming match/ground-breaking fight!"

I don't give a damn.

"But you've only known each other for five months!"
We're still in school, so don't worry, no plans anytime soon.

Yes, we haven't known each other for very long. We haven't dated for very long either. We haven't lived together. Yes, yes. This I know. But even though I'm not following the socially-constructed timeline that's expected of me. Technically, I'm ahead of everyone else in this society.

I'm in grad school. I have a job. I don't have any kids. I have a future. Etc. Etc.

Why is it such a surprise? Why is it so controversial? Because it's not how you want it?

Why, is it that we see a 70 year old couple, hear a story that they met and got married within two months and are still happily married, and think it's the cutest story in the world? I think if you react a certain way towards me, you're not giving my relationship a chance.

Because there are people in this world who date for 12 years and still aren't sure that they're ready for a commitment, even though they have a family, house, and life with this person. It's a scary world, eh? Divorce rates so high? Because people get married just to get married these days, or they're so concerned about finding the perfect partner that they spend their lives thinking there has to be someone better for them.

I've found my perfect counterpart, and I'm claiming him because I'm positive that he's my match.

If you think I'm wrong then,... for the first time ever... I don't want your opinion. You may think I'm crazy, or dumb, or whatever, but this is my life and I will live it however I choose.

Thank you,
<3 Tawny