This is probably going to be the most difficult thing for me to post. Because it was this part of the process, that I never thought I would share with anyone.
The day came that I was supposed to hear back from school A and B about if I had a job there or not. I never received an email, I never received a phone call. I started to get nervous, "Don't worry," they all said, "Sometimes things like this take a little more time than anticipated."
"You're right," I thought.. Courage restored.
I was sitting in an NRHH meeting, National Residence Hall Honorary for those who may not know, and because I was feeling so antsy, from not hearing back from school A and B, I was checking my email incessantly. During our meeting, I had checked to see an email from School A.
"Thank you for your interest in our school, but we've chosen someone else. Good luck!"
I mean, it didn't say those exact words, but it sums it up pretty well.
Rejected:
Boom. Reality check. Maybe I'm not as great as I thought. But it was okay, I still had two schools left to hear from and that one was at the bottom of my list of preferences anyway. It's okay. I was still okay.
Then my NRHH chapter began their weekly recognition. Usually my favorite part, because I love seeing people rewarded for the great things they do, this time. I wasn't there. Physically, yes. Mentally, not at all. I checked my email again. Wow, one from school B! Hopefully this one brought good news. I opened it.
Rejected. Again.
Commence shock. Two schools, two choices, no longer existent.
I signed back into my meeting when I heard someone say my name. They were recognizing me for NRHH Member of the Week. I didn't want it. I didn't want to hear it. But my nominator continued forward. Praising me for the wonderful things I do, congratulating me on pursuing further education, toasting the wonderful accomplishments I would achieve in graduate school, and so on and so forth. I wanted to cry. I almost did. I didn't want the award. I didn't feel like I deserved it. Having it was like pouring salt on an open wound. It hurt.
I continued my evening by going to class. Quiet. Little contribution to class discussion. I just wanted to leave. I just wanted to go home. I just wanted to curl up into a ball, and cry.
On the bright side of things, I had one more school left. School C. I liked that school better than the other two anyway. So why was I so down? Snap out it Tawny, you've still got a chance!
One Week Later:
I was supposed to hear back from school C that Tuesday. I didn't. Shit. The friend I made while on-campus, we were both "top choices." We had the best shot. But that dreaded feeling kept creeping back in.
The next day, Wednesday, I heard back from School C.
"Unfortunately, there just weren't enough open positions this year, and you didn't make the cut."
Ouch.
Commence Devastation.
I was supposed to go to NRHH 30 minutes after I got the email. Fat. Chance. In hell. I couldn't. I couldn't face that group of people! I didn't want to bring back the award of shame. I was so embarrassed. So lost. So numb. I don't even think I went to class that night. I wasn't going to be able to pay attention. I didn't want to be out in public at all.
What do you do, when the one thing you've spent your entire college career working for, gets ripped from your grasp? I sure didn't know the answer to that. I wish I could be inspirational and say that I didn't let it get me down, that it was just a minor setback in achieving a dream well worth it. But I can't, honestly, and that's why I'm telling you my story.
Lies:
And then the questions started coming... "So, how's the search coming?" Peers. Supervisors. Advisors. Mentors. Friends. Roommates. Family. The Vice freakin' Chancellors. All, asking me, the same, question, over, and over, again. My answer? "Still waiting to hear back! Should be soon!"
What was I supposed to say? That I failed and no one wants to hire me?!?
Stay tuned for Part 5: Redemption
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