So, I'm finding out more and more that I'm an extrovert. But not in the way that most are. I need constant human contact. Or at least socialization in some form or another. But I'm shy, so I'm not as overbearing as some tend to be. I'm not as out there. I kind of... lurk in the shadows and wait for someone to come find me. So, others tend to see me as someone who doesn't need to hang with people, or someone who doesn't desire that special attention. But I do. I really do. I need that limelight.
Before I left for Texas, I was super excited for my new job. The thought of not having to actually be responsible for a staff of students, be on call from the get-go, and simply have a 3/4 time work day and be done... With all of the same benefits?! It sounded like bliss. Pure bliss.
When I got here, I was immediately immersed in the culture and taken in by such welcoming arms. Right away, my cohort and I became very close. I adore them all quite dearly. Odd quirks and all. We had our staff retreat, and I felt closer to them than I think I do with most of my friends. Strange.
But I think I started to take it for granted because when pro staff training ended, that's when I realized that the CAs (RAs) were coming back. Then, CA training. Along with CA training, it's past the 8-5 work day. There are staff dinners, in-hall training, staff development, etc, and etc.
I started becoming very apprehensive. Training is my favorite time of year. Why am I so anxious?
It's simple. My cohort, now have jobs past office hours. I don't have a staff. I don't have a group of people to simply have a staff dinner with. I'm not bonding with people anymore. I don't have anyone to look after, to fumble over as I try to teach them things I only just recently learned myself. I don't get to sit in special training sessions and work one on one with students.
After the first day of training, I left my office and went to my apartment. I wanted to text my new friends, "Who wants to grab dinner together," like we did for the past 3 weeks. Everyone already had dinner plans. So I ate by myself. Sometimes, it's not so bad. But I wasn't ready for it. I like eating with others. I like conversing. I like, social interaction. On the plus side, I was able to talk to my sister on the phone. That was wonderful. But she wasn't there. I was by myself, eating homemade(ish) pasta, watching Star Trek. That's not that fun. I felt so lonely. I just wanted to go to sleep and it was only 8pm. (I'm a night owl.)
But then the second day of training, I was able to eat lunch with all of the student and professional staff. One staff temporarily adopted me. I felt so special. So loved. Even though they didn't know me. I felt included. It was nice.
Today was difficult. I spent most of the day, sitting in bed, reading, watching tv, painting my nails, and playing games on my phone. To some people, that sounds like a dang good day, but I wasn't feelin' it. I had nowhere to go, nothing important to do. I looked at the training schedule just to see when someone would be available. After dinner, there was nothing planned! Great! I texted one friend and asked if she wanted to go shopping after. Nope. She had a staff meeting. Darn.
I started to feel alone again. I could have texted others, but rememeber, I'm shy. Especially after being rejected once, I didn't want to face the risk again.
Then I got a text. An invite to the movies! We didn't end up making it in time and got ice cream instead, but an invite! Someone reached out to me. It felt good.
After ice cream, we hung out and watched a movie at my apartment. It was exactly what I needed to feel back on that mental track. I love hosting. It makes me feel well making others feel well aslo. And by hosting get togethers in my apartment, it's fulfilling. For everyone else, it was a way they could unwind, destress, and not worry. I was able to provide that atmosphere for them. And for that, I am grateful.
I feel very happy right now. I'm not stressed about my job, I love it and it's no where near as demanding as the rest of my staff. But to feel like I'm still a part of them even though I don't have to worry about my own personal staff of CAs? That recognition is important to me.
I could not have asked for a better night.
Thank you.
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